Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I miss her..

Waited for the lift to go back home on Sunday and 2 policemen went into the same lift too. They went to one level above me and I still didn't know who they are "visiting". But of cos, seeing a policeman come knocking on your door, 90% of them isn't anything good. So I didn't bother much as well. Then the next day, after i came home from work, mummy told me that a neighbour upstairs passed away suddenly. I got a shock! So tat "visit" the 2 policemen came for was this... My mum even told me that she still greeted Uncle Fai in the morning and even chatted about Chinese New Year for a while, my mum even said that he looks bubbly and very normal. But then another buddy of Uncle Fai told my mum tat during the night, he went out of breath when he's on his way back after buying some drinks from the 7-Eleven. When the ambulance came, he is announced dead when he is only 10min away from reaching the hospital. *sighs*


It's a rainy day tonight, not heavily but just a small drizzle. Cooling but with a very sad mood. I'm starting to miss my grandmother.

Every year when it is my little Angel's birthday, my heart will start to sink. I'm feeling like this is because my beloved Grandmother passed on peacefully at her own room 2 weeks after Angel's born. Let me tell you the story... Read on if u wan to :)

I'm the only girl in the family. Or should I say my generation? All my cousins (both my mum's and dad's side) are boys. You will only hear me say brothers cos i have no sisters at all. So, I'm always the apple in the eyes of my grandparents. My grandma dotes on me alot but she got a stroke when i was 9yrs old. My mum, as the eldest in her family took care of her all day long. As days went by, she just grew thinner and thinner.. you can see how weak she'd become. But you will be amazed when you see how delighted she got when she heard that I'm pregnant! She even said to my mum, "I'm very happy cos i didn't expect i can still live this long to see the 4th generation, my first great grand child.."

8 months after my pregnancy, my little girl seems to know that my grandma can't wait any longer... and she's born 2mth earlier before the actual due date... 28th Dec 1999.
At that time, my grandma is already lying in bed everyday.. She do not even have the strength to talk to anyone. And when she tries to talk, you will need to put your ears next to her mouth to hear wat she whispers. She's is really really... weak.
You can tell from her face how anxious she is when she heard that i'm about to give birth in the hospital.

Things didn't go that smoothly cos my little girl has jaundice and has to be hospitalised until she gets better. I have to go to the hospital almost everyday to see my poor little girl under the bili lights. The doctor keep telling me that her jaundice is rather serious which makes me have a lot of sleepless nights. But this time... i can also see grandma's situation worsened too.. She's like.. still holding on.. waiting together with me for my daughter to be discharge.

After a long wait, on 7th Jan 2000, the 15th day my little girl stayed in hospital, the nurse finally called me and break a good news telling me that my little girl can finally come home! I ran to my mum and told her about it. Grandma, who was worried about her condition suddenly has a smile on her face and even urge my mum to quickly change and bring my daughter back from the hospital with me.

Finally carried my precious little one in my arms waiting for the taxi, can't wait to go home and show her to grandma. But who knows... the nightmare has come.

5min after we board the cab, my aunty who was looking after my grandma while my mum came to pick up my daughter with me called from home. "Ah ma... is gone.." my aunty mumbled in between her cries. I was in a daze. I feel so helpless. I don't know how to react, neither does my mum. on one hand, we're carrying a baby home happily.. on the other, we can't smile cos someone passed away. We can't cry in front of my little girl too. I can't hold on anymore and i broke into tears.

There is a chinese belief that a "happy occasion" (refers to angel's birth) cannot clash with a "sad occasion" (refers to my grandma's death). So my mum drag me home and lock me up, not allowing me to see my grandma for one last time. They say i'm not allowed to cos it will be bad luck. I carried angel and cried at home all alone.

Now, angel just turned 9. Which also means grandma is gone for 9yr already. Till now, i still haven't visit her.. I don't dare to. And i also don't have the courage to do so. I miss her so much that i don't dare to see her. I'm scared that once I stand in front of her photo, I will cry in front of her. I really miss her.. Even typing this makes my eyes well up with tears.