Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye 2008..

today's new year eve and i am rotting at home.. didn't do any count down for christmas nor new year for 2008.. kinda boring.. and there is like no one to accompany me for all these.. perhaps i really neglected all my friends tat i should have during my marriage life and tat is why now none of them will look for me to join them for such occasions. *sighs*

Last nite, i had a good talk with my little girl. Asked her to accompany me to the room and sat down on the bed so that i can have some private conversation with her.. Started off with asking her if she likes me or melvin more.. Well, i do not know if she says tat she loves me more just to please me or is it for real, but whichever is the case, i am still relieved to hear her reply is me. Then i slowly explained to her that due to some reasons, i no longer have feelings for melvin, and tat is why we are not together anymore..

i told her tat melvin's mother doesn't like me and refuse to accept her as grand daughter. And cos of this, we are not able to stay together too. I told her tat i won't stop her from sms-ing melvin or giving him phone calls as her little brother Justin is still with them. I told her that she's a big girl now and i hope she understands me and don't blame me for not able to give her a perfect home. I told her tat once she grows older, she will understand why i will leave melvin now. I also said tat my mother and her are the only people tat i have left with now.. so i hope, she will never leave me.. At tat point of time, i couldn't help it but cry in front of my little angel. She gave me hug and didn't say anything. She then cried too... I feel... so.. useless.

the conversation somehow makes my heart feel so much lighter as now my little girl noe the situation. it also feels like a load off my shoulder.. So tat i noe she will understand why melvin didn't come tat often already.. I really hope.. my little girl won't hate me.. I feel like i've let her down.. *sighs*

about 1hr+ more 2008 will be over and it's time to welcome 2009. in this new year, i hope angel will be happy, i hope she will not blame me, i hope she will be able to grow up healthily, i hope my mum will be able to live her life long enough to see angel get married cos my mum loves her dearly.. i hope i will not let her down again.. i hope i am able to find my own happiness again.

Friday, December 19, 2008

it's finally.... over.

yeap, i'm back from my trip. frankly speaking, the trip was rather boring.. and difficult customers.. but no worries, i've settled everything there with them. i guess i will talk about my trip in a later post cos now.. i'm feeling rather down..

reached singapore almost mid nite and only able to catch some sleep at abt 2am. get up for work as usual today but coming back wasn't really a wise choice. "Why so?" some of u may ask.. cos i come home and heard something which hurts me rather deeply after tat.

my mum told me something and the more she talk about it, the more agitated she became.. i can fully understand why she got so angry .. cos she took care of my daughter for 9years already.. she dotes on her alot.. protects her and of cos, the last thing she and myself would wan is to see my little girl cry.

My heart starts to ache so terribly when my little girl came crying to me and said, "whether u cane me or beat me to death, i will never wan to step into tat house at jurong ever again!"
what happened? why did my little girl say all these words?? ok, let me tell u wat happened..

that... FUCKING BITCH, melvin's mother, said some words tat is not suppose to be heard by my daughter... she said so loudly in front of her.. make her feel so upset about it..

while i was away, melvin brought little angel back to jurong to play with her little brother justin as she misses her.. so, being polite and always respecting the elderly, she greeted melvin's mom "Granny" but she ignored her totally.. she then went into the room but with the room door still opened. his mom then shouted for melvin and begin to argue with him. she asked, "Why did u bring her back? who is going to look after her?" of cos, melvin felt weird with her words.. so she said again, "i didn't even acknowledge her as my daughter in law, so u tink i will acknowledge her daughter as my grand child? u better look after her urself COS I AM NOT GOING TO LOOK AFTER SOME OTHER MAN'S KID!" Angel heard everything.. she took everything to heart.. she called my mum and cried.. how pain can me and my mum's heart can be ? it's so painful tat no one can imagine.

so.. after hearing this.. i went to my room.. tinking about it for a while.. then i've made up my mind.. to just.. end this relationship. the moment i tink of his fucking mother, my blood boils and my whole body will shake uncontrollably. so, i called him up and told him to let me go.. let me live my own life.. and he lives his own. he broke down.. he really break down into tears.. begging me to stay by his side.. he gave up everything for me.. even turned his back at his parents.. he's lost everything.

i told him.. tat wat i feel for him now isn't as much as i feel for him as before.. it's somehow.. different. "Look Melvin, the problem doesn't lie on u, nor does it lie on any other guys. The problem lies on me so just let me go. We can't be like what we used to be. I don't feel for u anymore.. do u understand? I don't love u already.. I don't wanna carry on like this already."

I made this decision is because i don't wan to have my little girl to get hurt anymore.. i feel tat with melvin around in our lives, there will definitely be possibilities of my little girl getting hurt by them again.

I only hope that he will be strong.. to take very good care of himself.. so tat he will be able to take good care of the little boy.. get over it and live on.

All i can say is.. sorry.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

what's going on?

Things between me and him ... is still hanging in mid air cos he is still trying to hold on to it. As for me, i dunno how to put it also.. I don't really have the strength to carry on. it's tiring..

i did a test on him last nite to see if there is still any trust between us. But the results ? he failed. As sad as it may sound, but he always like to check on my mobile phone incoming and outgoing calls made ... as well as my sms. For a very long time.. i didn't check on his phone cos there is a period of time he likes to erase all sms and logs, then it comes to a point whereby i give up checking cos i believe he did all tat as he wants his own privacy. So, from then on, i nv check on his phone again. But if he wants his own privacy, why didn't he think that i want mine too? why can't he let me have my own privacy like how i gave his back to him ? It's only a matter of trust. *sighs* seems like, we really do not have any between us.

Despite the number of times being rejected and turned down by me again and again, melvin is still being persistant. It's a good sign tat he still wants to salvage the marriage BUT i dunno why on the other hand, i feel like a super bad and evil person. I seem to have put him in a difficult position in front of his parents. I didn't force him to do all these things for me.. to change for me, to wait for me, to work hard for the family. I just wanna be myself.

After being chased out of the house last year on 12th June 2007, i moved all my belongings back and stay together with my mother until now. Then, a few months later.. he came back for me and told me tat he wants to patch things back and perhaps i'm being gullible.. being soft hearted.. i gave him another chance. I told myself, "This will be the very last chance that i am going to give him. If he were to make me angry again, i will leave him for sure. I am prepared to live my life just like how my mother does.. being a single parent since i am 7yr old." There are many times tat i feel like i am living in my mother's shadows.. history is like repeating itself. All broken marriages. *sighs*
Definition of the noun divorce in the dictionary photo

It is because i am still firm on my own decision previously made that is why i am so cold hearted.. feeling so numb.. over everything.

Didn't had a good start in the morning.. woken up by his sms regarding the test i did on him. Actually slept pretty late last night as I went to play mahjong till about 2.30am. Only manage to get to sleep at about 3am++ but the sms woke me up at 8.30am ! Can't get back to sleep anymore so decided to go down to have b'fast. Head to the bus stop after tat, took a bus and reach Suntec City for a walk and movie.

Watched this show called... Four Christmases.
Both the main leads comes from broken marriages. So they have to visit all the 4 parents in a day after their planned vacation to escape meeting them is ruined with bad weather and causing all the flights to be cancelled. Pretty nice and funny show. :)

Think i'm gonna go rest now as the flu and fever bug is slowly attacking me. Having headache, physically and mentally tired too. *sighs*

Sunday, December 7, 2008


ok, it has been a really rough time for me for the past few days.. i've had alot of headaches and sleepless nights.. wasn't able to get to sleep last nite so until now it's like about 40hours tat i haven't had a wink? Went to work today with my eyes all puffy and swollen like one goldfish. a few of my colleagues also commented how bad my eye bags were and looking a lil' pale. One of them even said she miss the bubbly me.

in regards to my previous entry, my husband wrote an extremely long comment which even one of my reader got touched by his words. Sadly, i dun really feel it. perhaps the feeling is just different already. i'm like... NUMBED with everything. I've nv felt this way in the past. maybe our relationship is just like a rubber band stretched too long and it just.. snapped.

Recieved a phone call from his dad yesterday to complain about alot of things about melvin.. I got so sick and tired of all the problems bombarding to me all at one shot. What exactly in detail i do not wish to state so clearly but all i can say is.. anything about him and his parents now disgusts me. I dun like to talk to his parents is becos we do not have anything to talk about. And the moment we really do sit down and talk, it will always be money issues. I can't even stand the sight of his parents now.

I'm like so so so stressed up now.. feeling so vexed ... and I've been drinking alot more compared to the past. But i will nv make myself drunk cos i know that will make my mum worry if she sees me like tat. So i will always control.. i always know my limits.

I've got nothing to vent my anger and stress on other thank blogging out my thoughts.


Thursday, December 4, 2008

those were the days...

always remember to cherish whatever you have before u lose them. many people always take things for granted. I do take things for granted at times.. but i really hate the fact that i am being taken for granted for too many times..

i understand that it will be very very bad of me to actually blog everything that hurts him now but i couldn't help it. cos those are really my feelings.. and i do feel very pekcek, frustrated, angry and disappointed with everything!!!

Wanna thank Fanny for accompanying me to have a drink to release some stress last nite even though she has to wake up early for work today. it may sound funny but it's true cos Fanny actually drank more than me and she got very very high ~ high to the extend that she didn't even remember that she KISSED me .. and took pictures with me.. and she even talked to a guy who is sitting beside her.. HAHAHAHAHA!! luckily the guy beside her is isn't local.. i believe he is vietnamese (and she also told me he looks handsome, but too bad he is attached and his gf is there) and so, the guy don't seem to understand wat fanny is saying to him. LOL!!

This is the first time i see her so high and happy. Yea, we did enjoyed ourselves and she talked a lot of rubbish which she really can't even remember.. but alot of people always say .. "Words that comes out from someone drunk is always the truth and words that comes right from the heart.." kekekeke ! I'm not gonna say wat she said to me tat nite cos it's our secret! bleah !

I'm going to tour lead on the 14th Dec le.. This time round i am going to hongkong and macau and zhuhai.. gonna be gone for 5 days.. i wonder how it will be like.. hope everything will be smooth sailing bah.. :)