what's going on?

Things between me and him ... is still hanging in mid air cos he is still trying to hold on to it. As for me, i dunno how to put it also.. I don't really have the strength to carry on. it's tiring..





i did a test on him last nite to see if there is still any trust between us. But the results ? he failed. As sad as it may sound, but he always like to check on my mobile phone incoming and outgoing calls made ... as well as my sms. For a very long time.. i didn't check on his phone cos there is a period of time he likes to erase all sms and logs, then it comes to a point whereby i give up checking cos i believe he did all tat as he wants his own privacy. So, from then on, i nv check on his phone again. But if he wants his own privacy, why didn't he think that i want mine too? why can't he let me have my own privacy like how i gave his back to him ? It's only a matter of trust. *sighs* seems like, we really do not have any between us.

Despite the number of times being rejected and turned down by me again and again, melvin is still being persistant. It's a good sign tat he still wants to salvage the marriage BUT i dunno why on the other hand, i feel like a super bad and evil person. I seem to have put him in a difficult position in front of his parents. I didn't force him to do all these things for me.. to change for me, to wait for me, to work hard for the family. I just wanna be myself.

After being chased out of the house last year on 12th June 2007, i moved all my belongings back and stay together with my mother until now. Then, a few months later.. he came back for me and told me tat he wants to patch things back and perhaps i'm being gullible.. being soft hearted.. i gave him another chance. I told myself, "This will be the very last chance that i am going to give him. If he were to make me angry again, i will leave him for sure. I am prepared to live my life just like how my mother does.. being a single parent since i am 7yr old." There are many times tat i feel like i am living in my mother's shadows.. history is like repeating itself. All broken marriages. *sighs*


It is because i am still firm on my own decision previously made that is why i am so cold hearted.. feeling so numb.. over everything.

Didn't had a good start in the morning.. woken up by his sms regarding the test i did on him. Actually slept pretty late last night as I went to play mahjong till about 2.30am. Only manage to get to sleep at about 3am++ but the sms woke me up at 8.30am ! Can't get back to sleep anymore so decided to go down to have b'fast. Head to the bus stop after tat, took a bus and reach Suntec City for a walk and movie.

Watched this show called... Four Christmases.
Both the main leads comes from broken marriages. So they have to visit all the 4 parents in a day after their planned vacation to escape meeting them is ruined with bad weather and causing all the flights to be cancelled. Pretty nice and funny show. :)

Think i'm gonna go rest now as the flu and fever bug is slowly attacking me. Having headache, physically and mentally tired too. *sighs*