Tuesday, December 9, 2008

what's going on?

Things between me and him ... is still hanging in mid air cos he is still trying to hold on to it. As for me, i dunno how to put it also.. I don't really have the strength to carry on. it's tiring..

i did a test on him last nite to see if there is still any trust between us. But the results ? he failed. As sad as it may sound, but he always like to check on my mobile phone incoming and outgoing calls made ... as well as my sms. For a very long time.. i didn't check on his phone cos there is a period of time he likes to erase all sms and logs, then it comes to a point whereby i give up checking cos i believe he did all tat as he wants his own privacy. So, from then on, i nv check on his phone again. But if he wants his own privacy, why didn't he think that i want mine too? why can't he let me have my own privacy like how i gave his back to him ? It's only a matter of trust. *sighs* seems like, we really do not have any between us.

Despite the number of times being rejected and turned down by me again and again, melvin is still being persistant. It's a good sign tat he still wants to salvage the marriage BUT i dunno why on the other hand, i feel like a super bad and evil person. I seem to have put him in a difficult position in front of his parents. I didn't force him to do all these things for me.. to change for me, to wait for me, to work hard for the family. I just wanna be myself.

After being chased out of the house last year on 12th June 2007, i moved all my belongings back and stay together with my mother until now. Then, a few months later.. he came back for me and told me tat he wants to patch things back and perhaps i'm being gullible.. being soft hearted.. i gave him another chance. I told myself, "This will be the very last chance that i am going to give him. If he were to make me angry again, i will leave him for sure. I am prepared to live my life just like how my mother does.. being a single parent since i am 7yr old." There are many times tat i feel like i am living in my mother's shadows.. history is like repeating itself. All broken marriages. *sighs*
Definition of the noun divorce in the dictionary photo

It is because i am still firm on my own decision previously made that is why i am so cold hearted.. feeling so numb.. over everything.

Didn't had a good start in the morning.. woken up by his sms regarding the test i did on him. Actually slept pretty late last night as I went to play mahjong till about 2.30am. Only manage to get to sleep at about 3am++ but the sms woke me up at 8.30am ! Can't get back to sleep anymore so decided to go down to have b'fast. Head to the bus stop after tat, took a bus and reach Suntec City for a walk and movie.

Watched this show called... Four Christmases.
Both the main leads comes from broken marriages. So they have to visit all the 4 parents in a day after their planned vacation to escape meeting them is ruined with bad weather and causing all the flights to be cancelled. Pretty nice and funny show. :)

Think i'm gonna go rest now as the flu and fever bug is slowly attacking me. Having headache, physically and mentally tired too. *sighs*


Baron & Sumo said...

Not all children from broken family will have same step with their parent.. think positive as life have to goes on ... tyour children need you.. you must be stong to overcomes anything that comes to you... marriage is fragile.... is just like how you protect it to make it unbreakable..and I believe there will be rainbow afert rain.. everything will get over soon.. just the matter of time... whatever you do.. put your children in priority... they are the furture investment..

Stay Strong and coolx.. we are alwayz behind you to give you all the support....

Ivy Koh

Anonymous said...

dont blame urself. i'm at fault and i deserved all these .. i know i failed the trust test.. failing it was one thing .. having felt the pain agai was another. i will wait .. wait for the day that i can hear the words again .. simple words .. simple sweet nothings that comes frm the bottom of ur heart.. it wont b easy .. it will nvr come soon .. it might never even come .. its ok .. i'll wait .. i'll slowly wait .. even if i have to face the world alone i will ..

i'vei'll b fine.. dont feel bad ok? i'll learn to live in a corner whr i have to face the world and wait for the day u'll give me ur hand and say "beebee lai .." the day that u will say "beebee still got me dont worry .."

i will only wait .. for i know i've been a nuisance ...

ur once loving hubby .. and forever loving you the hubby...

Kev said...

Hi...difficult situation. It might be good to be apart for a while but D-I-V-O-R-C-E is not the way to do it. Or, just go to a marriage counselor with him. Just hope things will be fine soon.

Jocelyn said...

Ivy : wow ! i didn't noe that Baron & Sumo is u, thanks for the encouragement. I know that my children needs me and sometimes i even suspect if i am staying onto this relationship cos of them or cos of love. I always put my children in first priority and tat is y i can't live my life, my way..

Melvin : just give me a break for a time being. We need a "cooling period" now. I'm not in the right state of mind to make a fine decision. I'm extremely tired with everything about u. I know u still care, and i appreciate it. But too much of them now i will get irritated instead. So leave me alone for the time being.

Kev : I understand DIVORCE is not the way .. but sometimes things just won't fall in place the way we want it to be. Thanks for all your concern and encouragement. I believe all will be fine soon.

jerine said...

sometimes take a break will be good. get consultation from some expert. i'm sure there is some psychologist out there can help. consulting psychologist is not for psycho only. we can't see things rationally at tiems like this. so it's better to preserve your marriage then going through the hard way.

Ahmike said...

Ji Mui, I am not a pro la k. I try my best to tell you what on my mind. As others advised, I too think the same,.. take a break.. maybe this is me, I like to take a short while.. make sure my mind is relax whenever I face difficulties.. Of course, I dare not to give you or trying to be so great in giving you advice, I try to understand your problem k. I was a bf to a girl who in the same condition like melvin. NO TRUST AT ALL. I learn it now. I believe relationship covers a lot, especially trust worthy. When we had problem, another part trying to be cool. If one part angry, another one " add oil ", things getting worse.

Here's one scripture from Bible where how I define love..

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

I love you as ji mui , we are right. Aren't we? =)

Jocelyn said...

jerine : hey, thanks for the advice again :)

Ahmike : I always believe having a "cooling period" is always good. thanks for the advice :)