Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I miss her..

Waited for the lift to go back home on Sunday and 2 policemen went into the same lift too. They went to one level above me and I still didn't know who they are "visiting". But of cos, seeing a policeman come knocking on your door, 90% of them isn't anything good. So I didn't bother much as well. Then the next day, after i came home from work, mummy told me that a neighbour upstairs passed away suddenly. I got a shock! So tat "visit" the 2 policemen came for was this... My mum even told me that she still greeted Uncle Fai in the morning and even chatted about Chinese New Year for a while, my mum even said that he looks bubbly and very normal. But then another buddy of Uncle Fai told my mum tat during the night, he went out of breath when he's on his way back after buying some drinks from the 7-Eleven. When the ambulance came, he is announced dead when he is only 10min away from reaching the hospital. *sighs*


It's a rainy day tonight, not heavily but just a small drizzle. Cooling but with a very sad mood. I'm starting to miss my grandmother.

Every year when it is my little Angel's birthday, my heart will start to sink. I'm feeling like this is because my beloved Grandmother passed on peacefully at her own room 2 weeks after Angel's born. Let me tell you the story... Read on if u wan to :)

I'm the only girl in the family. Or should I say my generation? All my cousins (both my mum's and dad's side) are boys. You will only hear me say brothers cos i have no sisters at all. So, I'm always the apple in the eyes of my grandparents. My grandma dotes on me alot but she got a stroke when i was 9yrs old. My mum, as the eldest in her family took care of her all day long. As days went by, she just grew thinner and thinner.. you can see how weak she'd become. But you will be amazed when you see how delighted she got when she heard that I'm pregnant! She even said to my mum, "I'm very happy cos i didn't expect i can still live this long to see the 4th generation, my first great grand child.."

8 months after my pregnancy, my little girl seems to know that my grandma can't wait any longer... and she's born 2mth earlier before the actual due date... 28th Dec 1999.
At that time, my grandma is already lying in bed everyday.. She do not even have the strength to talk to anyone. And when she tries to talk, you will need to put your ears next to her mouth to hear wat she whispers. She's is really really... weak.
You can tell from her face how anxious she is when she heard that i'm about to give birth in the hospital.

Things didn't go that smoothly cos my little girl has jaundice and has to be hospitalised until she gets better. I have to go to the hospital almost everyday to see my poor little girl under the bili lights. The doctor keep telling me that her jaundice is rather serious which makes me have a lot of sleepless nights. But this time... i can also see grandma's situation worsened too.. She's like.. still holding on.. waiting together with me for my daughter to be discharge.

After a long wait, on 7th Jan 2000, the 15th day my little girl stayed in hospital, the nurse finally called me and break a good news telling me that my little girl can finally come home! I ran to my mum and told her about it. Grandma, who was worried about her condition suddenly has a smile on her face and even urge my mum to quickly change and bring my daughter back from the hospital with me.

Finally carried my precious little one in my arms waiting for the taxi, can't wait to go home and show her to grandma. But who knows... the nightmare has come.

5min after we board the cab, my aunty who was looking after my grandma while my mum came to pick up my daughter with me called from home. "Ah ma... is gone.." my aunty mumbled in between her cries. I was in a daze. I feel so helpless. I don't know how to react, neither does my mum. on one hand, we're carrying a baby home happily.. on the other, we can't smile cos someone passed away. We can't cry in front of my little girl too. I can't hold on anymore and i broke into tears.

There is a chinese belief that a "happy occasion" (refers to angel's birth) cannot clash with a "sad occasion" (refers to my grandma's death). So my mum drag me home and lock me up, not allowing me to see my grandma for one last time. They say i'm not allowed to cos it will be bad luck. I carried angel and cried at home all alone.

Now, angel just turned 9. Which also means grandma is gone for 9yr already. Till now, i still haven't visit her.. I don't dare to. And i also don't have the courage to do so. I miss her so much that i don't dare to see her. I'm scared that once I stand in front of her photo, I will cry in front of her. I really miss her.. Even typing this makes my eyes well up with tears.


whitez said...

everyone has past like this. i didnt get to see my grandfather before he left.. life is full of regrets.. even recently i had dinner with my own biological grandfather and aunt .. i felt useless.. among all my biological cousins im the one he love the most.. im always the one who came out first compared to my other lovely cousins too .. now im first too from the end .. everyone is doing better then me..everyone has a better life .. my 2 elder cousins .. henry is now in aussie taking his masters ... benny is a uni grad married with a little daughter already .. emma and lala are bove overseas working .. im the only one here.. if u do miss her do go see her .. until the end she wanted to our little girl .. bring her there.. i believe ur grandma loved u too when u were young the very least bring angel thr to see her .. =)

Jocelyn said...

whitez : i do not noe where she is.. even when my mum or aunty is there to visit her, they didn't inform me about it too.. maybe they are scared to let me know bah..

whitez said...

i tink u ask mum she will tell u bah.. just say u wanna bring angel to see see ur grandma .. i dun see any reason y she wont tell u..

Kev said...

"So my mum drag me home and lock me up, not allowing me to see my grandma for one last time" - this statement disturbs me a lot. I personally believe that a person should be allowed to see the dead for "one last time" as a form of respect and to say goodbye.

The trouble is, the Chinese (sad to say), are a very superstitious lot. If you don't follow what they say and something bad happens to you by coincidence, they will say "See? I told you not to do it but you youngsters are so stubborn. You've angered the gods!" - this always leaves us in a dilemma.

I share your sorrows as I didn't get to see my grandma when she died about 17 years ago, and I didn't attend her funeral. The reason: I was in the jungles of Sarawak without any communication tools, and I got to know of the sad news much later when I'm in the city. The thought of this still haunts me now.

Jocelyn said...

Kev : well, i dun really blame my mum for it. cos all she is doing is wat she feels is best for me. it's natural bah.. for a mother to protect thier own kids and wan wat's best for them. *sighs*

Cathy said...

omg...i'm feeling the pain as well..sorry for you really do....i'm sure your late grandma understood at that time...*hugs*

Jerine said...

i think your grandma was staying just to know that your baby is alright. when she heard that your baby can finally come home, she felt relief that she can finally go. i think your grandma died peacefully, not everyone can die like that. she didn't have to go through trauma like getting hospitalized. that's a very good thing. at least we know that right now she's in peace. should feel happy for her.

Jocelyn said...

Cathy : =) *hugs*

Jerine : ya, i tink so too.. tat is why my heart aches even more cos she is holding on for my daughter to return home safely. hais...