Friday, January 9, 2009

Roller coaster..

Yeap, like wat the title says.. my feelings' like a roller coaster lately..I really dunno how to explain how i feel in words. I've been losing a lot of sleep recently too. *sighs*

There seems to be so many things tat i wanna blog about but when i actually sat down in front of my computer, my mind went blank. How frustrating can it be??

Spoke to melvin over the msn this afternoon and one particular sentence he said made me have a lot of thoughts. He said, "I am not angry tat he actually took you away from me.. cos i took u away from someone else." Now, come to think of it.. yea.. I dumped another guy for him. why has it gotta be this way? Gene is the guy tat i left and decided to carry on with melvin. Gene used to take me for granted. Often borrow money from me to go and play snooker. He doesn't work,he only plays snooker to "earn a living". Earn a living in a sense tat he plays snooker rather well and he actually plays for money with other pple. Some sorta like.. gamble?? He will be so indulge in his snooker game tat he didn't even bother to spend some time with me. He can make me wait at the snookerium from afternoon 1pm, all the way until the snookerium closes at 3am. I have to eat my lunch, dinner and supper there all by myself and rot with him! Can u imagine how bad tat is? This slowly became a routine and my feelings for Gene slowly tone down and we're still together because it's a HABIT and not cos of LOVE anymore.

Then Melvin pop into the picture.. He was in NS then. We got to know each other in IRC. Hahaha! Funny but true. It all started when i was so interested to learn how to stream music on the internet. I was a real computer noob that I didn't noe how to do up the settings for internet music streaming. Then one of the chatter in the channel told me to approach Melvin for help. And tat is when i started our first conversation. Wouldn't go in detail as how we start to get together and then finally we got married. Marriage life is really super different compared to the times when we're still dating. He changed so drastically after he stepped into the working society. He grew to be so attached to his work, his colleagues, his meetings, his drinking sessions with his suppliers and stuffs.. He will always throw tantrums at me, giving me cold replies like "Zzzz!" and "I'm BUSY LAH!" and "Which part of my english do u not understand?!" and other shitty stuffs. He will only treats me super nicely only if he needs a favour from me and usually it's money issues. Kinda sick and tired of it but wat to do? I had to bear with all these nonsense by waiting every nite at home for him to return even though i know i won't have enough sleep and still gotta wake up early the next morning for work. And he nv fails to return with himself smells with a strong stench of liquor.. There are also many nights tat i have to cry myself to sleep.. those kinda pain is horrible.

Things seems to get worse day by day.. and one fine day when i just reach my work place, he sent me this sms saying, "I think we should just stay separately." I got a shock, it's like... so OUT OF NOWHERE and with no reasons at all! So i replied, "wat happened? why suddenly u will wan this? How do u expect me to accept this?" and I tink all of u won't be able to guess wat his reply will be. "Wat's there to accept? Just pack your things and leave." Shocked? Don't be. Cos i broke down on the spot already.

Well, wat happened later after that, i tink i need not spell out so clearly already.. Cos once we signed the separation deed, the scar will always be there.. And now this is wat we finally become... Going on separate ways.

Ok, drop that topic.

Life in Focal for me somehow changed.. I believe most people will agree if i say that not everyone can satisfy everyone's needs. I feel like i'm being sandwiched. I have to be very tolerant with a lot of things.. As a superior's point of view, i understand they can't give in everything to the ones that are still new as this will spoil them and they will naturally take everything for granted in future. But at the same time, putting myself in the new comers' shoes, i understand their unhappiness if they felt tat they've put in so much effort in doing something well but not appreciated by the company. I also fully understand that they felt even more frustrated as time goes by if the superiors tries to restrict them from doing things or some other things tat doesn't please them. So, as the middle man, cos i'm neither a new comer, nor am i a superior who is able to control things, i have to persuade the superior to let loose a bit more, then at the same time tries to console the new comer and ask them to look at brighter side of things.

Now where does the problem really lie? I felt a pinch of sourness in my heart when I tried to get my team member to look at brighter side of things by phrasing it in a way that wouldn't hurt them but more like encouraging them and then i am being chosen as a target to be her anger venting target. I feel her words are getting a little too far so i told her tat she really shouldn't be doing that to me. Her last reply is being so sarcastic that i even felt like puking! "Oh, I forgot my status. so sorry MY TEAM IC. good nite!" I seriously felt very offended with her words. I believe things between us will nv be the same again.


Jerine said...

i used to be in a relationship with a guy, 30 years old, but still haven't got any savings in his account. he too, used to borrow money from me, and ironically, his name is melvin too. i used to think that stay in relationship means have to fight thicks and thins and accept your partner as he is. at the end i can't tolerate his short temper anymore. since then i don't believe in guys anymore. you're actually quite lucky that when you walk out of one relationship, you can step into another. that way you can slowly heal. i've got problem with trust after that until i met this current one. believe it or not, for three years in between i was afraid to be in relationship because of one guy.

by the way, the plastic surgery just an advertisement. i get paid to write, so it's not true

Anonymous said...

well here i am saying sorry again .. u've suffered for the 4 yrs .. i know everything is too late .. but for me i feel it isnt.. it is just a beginning of a new life for me .. i used to be so focused on my work that i neglected my family so much that all these happened... well thanks for doing this to me .. only after this thing happened i learned.. learn that no matter how much i can work if i dun have time my for my family it is useles..

now decided to spend more time at home with our little boy and every 1-2 weeks i'll bring my daughter out.. spending time home is not enough is quality time with my kids .. u're doing well.. u have a new life .. a bright future ahead .. u can work hard too .. i've decided to keep a savings account for both angel and justin .. mayb keep a small savings account for myself in the future too .. no matter how much i work .. how much i make .. 1 day i die i also cant bring it with me.. it is meant for my future and my loved ones.. so i'll keep money here and there..

live a happy life .. be cheerful .. life has lots of ups and down too .. like u mentioned .. i snatched u away from someone .. like wise u were taken away from me .. i chased u out of the house.. i got chased out of ur hse too .. so now i believe in karma .. but im sure u'll be loved .. loved by the ones u love .. and they must learn to treasure u .. coz i hope i will be the last one to have ever hurt u..

stay happy .. cheerful .. be abit more cute alright~~ that has always been the jocelyn li xiangting that i know of.. i'll always be there .. as a fren for now ..

reanaclaire said...

hi Jocelyn... i m touched by your post... it is disheartening, right? but when u think back positively, it is like a blessing in disguise. Now u r still young, with no kids yet, live your life first, do things u like to do, things u dont hv time before.. now is the opportunity. And remember, if he doesnt appreciate you for what u are, there is always someone out there who will.. do no bat an eye on those who takes u for granted...
after all these, i hope you r wiser now in the choice of men u love to be a life partner with...
all the best!! God Bless..

Jocelyn said...

Jerine : Oh, i tot tat plastic surgery thingy is your own opinion. haha! And erm, i feel sorry for wat happened to you with tat 30yr old guy. But i am definitely glad that u're moving on and having a much better life now. Hope everything will be smooth for u in future ! :)

whitez : Thanks for being a friend. :)

renaclare : Thank you for reading and ur concern and erm... I do have kids. haha! And yea, i tink i have learnt to be wiser and i tink i am able to make a better choice as to whom i will live with as a life time partner. :)