*sighs*

Tomorrow will the chinese new year eve already but why am i sighing?

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I don't like the feeling for today. Actually i can say i practically didn't talk to him today. Or should i say i didn't have the chance to? Hmm... *ponders*
He has to attend a meeting together with his dad so i can't contact him cos i will be disturbing him during the meeting. Then after the meeting, he got home and he starts to play his game so he can't really switch windows to msn during his game. And then in between his game, he had a small disagreement with his mum and so he is not in the mood to talk to anyone including me. I really don't like this. Cos i feel i'm being... abandon and left alone. *frowns*

Boss gave us all permission to knock off early as there are no customers, very very quiet in fact. So i went back at 6.15pm. Tried calling him to see if by chatting on the phone and sharing his problem would help him feel better but then was rejected. "Do u wanna tok?" .... he said, "No lah. Don't need lah." ... "So do u wan me to hang up the phone now?" ... he said, "YA!" .. so i hang up.
Somehow, i feel really sad and a lil' hurt. i feel tat i shouldn't be treated like tat. But ya, i understand that some people they wish to be alone when they are in a really foul mood. So.... I'll just have to find my own programme to keep myself occupied for the night.
Then while i was typing this entry, he msn-ed me finally. But at the end of the really short conversation, he said tat i'm being too sensitive with my own words. Ok lor. Nvm.

CONTINUED....

tomorrow guess i will be going over to Jurong Point in the early afternoon. Will be bring Angel along and perhaps meet 2 of my colleagues at Outram Station and bring them along cos they are foreigners. Sometimes really pity them cos they have no relatives in Singapore and therefore they have nowhere to go during Chinese New Year, they won't even have any reunion dinner. When i'm there, I might be able to see my cute little Justin. Speaking of that little rascal, i had my first phone conversation with him yesterday while i was on my way home in the train.

"Hello MUMMY!" he said.
"Hi my little boy!" i replied.
"Oooh~ Mummy in the mrt train! mummy going where?"
"Mummy's taking the train home.. you wanna come?"
"Yeah! Justin wan to come."
"Ok, Monday u ask daddy to bring u come ok? Come and take ang bao from mummy and Ah Ma k?"
He then ran off and shouted to melvin, "I wan go MRT train look for mummy!"

Hahaha!! so cute. *sighs*... I really miss him.

face it ! that's life.

currently feeling kinda down.. guess i am always the one who is not good with expressing myself with words.. I will always tend to use the wrong words and offend people accidently. Right?

for the above mentioned, i need to first make it clear that it is referring to the one tat is close and dear to me and not referring to the one tat is working with me. if u're reading this u should jolly well noe who u are. and i seriously don't give a fuck shit about u anymore. Cos all the anger, sorrows, disappointments or watever is u brought it upon urself. i'm starting to understand why when i am close to u, people will come telling me tat u're such a lowlife petty person. tsk tsk tsk!

i do not noe is it just me or does it also apply to any other pple out there.. cos i always feel tat when u're in love, u will be blinded by a lot of things.. u will tend to act childishly and always having stupid thoughts.. and most of them is rather unnecessary. perhaps when u love someone too much, u tend to be over protective and then ur imaginations will run wild.. and when u didn't get enough supply of attention that he/she will give u on every normal day, u will feel extremely uncomfortable and start to tink if he/she is not loving u anymore and some shits like tat. U get wat i mean?

i always have this thing coming to me so naturally.. things like.. "why is it only when the relationship just started then they will treat u so extremely nice like u're a queen?" or "why after u're together, they dun give u the same kind of attention that they used to?" or "why they choose something else over me?" and shit stuffs like tat. Somehow all these unpleasant things just fall in place so nicely after a new relationship starts.. or was it just my luck that all these are just pure coincidence? HAHAHAHA!

i wonder when i will go crazy. oh boy, i must be insane now already.

i noe there must be some people out there who doesn't like me.. but to tell u frankly, i hate myself sometimes too. hate myself so much tat i even have the tendency to kill myself.

Roller coaster..

Yeap, like wat the title says.. my feelings' like a roller coaster lately..I really dunno how to explain how i feel in words. I've been losing a lot of sleep recently too. *sighs*





There seems to be so many things tat i wanna blog about but when i actually sat down in front of my computer, my mind went blank. How frustrating can it be??

Spoke to melvin over the msn this afternoon and one particular sentence he said made me have a lot of thoughts. He said, "I am not angry tat he actually took you away from me.. cos i took u away from someone else." Now, come to think of it.. yea.. I dumped another guy for him. why has it gotta be this way? Gene is the guy tat i left and decided to carry on with melvin. Gene used to take me for granted. Often borrow money from me to go and play snooker. He doesn't work,he only plays snooker to "earn a living". Earn a living in a sense tat he plays snooker rather well and he actually plays for money with other pple. Some sorta like.. gamble?? He will be so indulge in his snooker game tat he didn't even bother to spend some time with me. He can make me wait at the snookerium from afternoon 1pm, all the way until the snookerium closes at 3am. I have to eat my lunch, dinner and supper there all by myself and rot with him! Can u imagine how bad tat is? This slowly became a routine and my feelings for Gene slowly tone down and we're still together because it's a HABIT and not cos of LOVE anymore.

Then Melvin pop into the picture.. He was in NS then. We got to know each other in IRC. Hahaha! Funny but true. It all started when i was so interested to learn how to stream music on the internet. I was a real computer noob that I didn't noe how to do up the settings for internet music streaming. Then one of the chatter in the channel told me to approach Melvin for help. And tat is when i started our first conversation. Wouldn't go in detail as how we start to get together and then finally we got married. Marriage life is really super different compared to the times when we're still dating. He changed so drastically after he stepped into the working society. He grew to be so attached to his work, his colleagues, his meetings, his drinking sessions with his suppliers and stuffs.. He will always throw tantrums at me, giving me cold replies like "Zzzz!" and "I'm BUSY LAH!" and "Which part of my english do u not understand?!" and other shitty stuffs. He will only treats me super nicely only if he needs a favour from me and usually it's money issues. Kinda sick and tired of it but wat to do? I had to bear with all these nonsense by waiting every nite at home for him to return even though i know i won't have enough sleep and still gotta wake up early the next morning for work. And he nv fails to return with himself smells with a strong stench of liquor.. There are also many nights tat i have to cry myself to sleep.. those kinda pain is horrible.

Things seems to get worse day by day.. and one fine day when i just reach my work place, he sent me this sms saying, "I think we should just stay separately." I got a shock, it's like... so OUT OF NOWHERE and with no reasons at all! So i replied, "wat happened? why suddenly u will wan this? How do u expect me to accept this?" and I tink all of u won't be able to guess wat his reply will be. "Wat's there to accept? Just pack your things and leave." Shocked? Don't be. Cos i broke down on the spot already.

Well, wat happened later after that, i tink i need not spell out so clearly already.. Cos once we signed the separation deed, the scar will always be there.. And now this is wat we finally become... Going on separate ways.

Ok, drop that topic.

Life in Focal for me somehow changed.. I believe most people will agree if i say that not everyone can satisfy everyone's needs. I feel like i'm being sandwiched. I have to be very tolerant with a lot of things.. As a superior's point of view, i understand they can't give in everything to the ones that are still new as this will spoil them and they will naturally take everything for granted in future. But at the same time, putting myself in the new comers' shoes, i understand their unhappiness if they felt tat they've put in so much effort in doing something well but not appreciated by the company. I also fully understand that they felt even more frustrated as time goes by if the superiors tries to restrict them from doing things or some other things tat doesn't please them. So, as the middle man, cos i'm neither a new comer, nor am i a superior who is able to control things, i have to persuade the superior to let loose a bit more, then at the same time tries to console the new comer and ask them to look at brighter side of things.

Now where does the problem really lie? I felt a pinch of sourness in my heart when I tried to get my team member to look at brighter side of things by phrasing it in a way that wouldn't hurt them but more like encouraging them and then i am being chosen as a target to be her anger venting target. I feel her words are getting a little too far so i told her tat she really shouldn't be doing that to me. Her last reply is being so sarcastic that i even felt like puking! "Oh, I forgot my status. so sorry MY TEAM IC. good nite!" I seriously felt very offended with her words. I believe things between us will nv be the same again.